NEWSFLASH -- Airplane Crash (Flight 1549) in New York NOT an Accident!

I knew it! Those bastards will stop at nothing. Now they're training suicide bomber geese!

What's next, suicide sheep careening into cars on the Interstate?

How to Make Your Very Own Motivational Posters

One of my favorite web sites of all time is Despair. It has some of the best motivational poster parodies I've ever seen. I go there when I'm really depressed or bummed out about something.

It's like watching Springer. No matter how bad your plight, there's always somebody else out there worse off than you. And that IS motivating!!!

Here's a link from MakeUseOf.com that gives you 4 Apps To Make Your Own Motivational Posters.

Now, you too can be like Despair.

A Couple Quick Rants

Who the hell are these people who think Barack Obama is not the President? They think because the rightwing nut job Supreme Court Chief Justice screwed up the Oath of Office that somehow Obama hasn't been sworn in?

Oh, and it doesn't matter one hill of beans that he took the damned Oath again? Oh, but it wasn't on a bible!

Who gives a flying fukc? And it wasn't televised, so nobody knows what happened?

See the problem here? Nobody could see it, yet they report what happened!

Okay, last rant. Why do people cling to the concept that it's a RIGHT to own a firearm? It simply is not said in the US Constitution, which these idiots always claim is the case. No, the Supreme Court has upheld that it's a right, but that doesn't mean it says so in the USC. They interpret the Constitution. That doesn't mean they got it right.

Anyway, I'm done.

Canseco and Bonaduce to Brawl

Oh, I can't wait. Jose Canseco, former Oakland A's slugger and admitted steroid user, is fighting Danny Bonaduce in a celebrity boxing match tomorrow night.

"Hoser" is 6-4 and 260 pounds while Bonaduce is 5-6 and 180 pounds. It looks very lopsided, on paper. Bonaduce, the former Partridge family drummer, didn't look all that great against former Brady Bunch star Barry Wiliams, who played the oldest Brady boy, Greg.

But he looked great when he turned "Jonny Fairplay" on his ear and slammed him into the ground.

From the story:

Enter Canseco.

"People want to see him get beat up," Feldman said. "That's what it's all about."

Yes, they do!

Fame game not over for scorned ex-slugger Canseco - Yahoo! News

Left Handed Presidents

I'm left-handed, so whenever I see stuff like this, my first thought is, "Ohmygod, the country's going to Hell in a handbasket!"

But then I compose myself and figure, if it's worked in the past, it very well might work in the present...

Did you know that Clinton, Bush I, Reagan, and Ford were all left-handed? Barack Obama, too (he's black, too, in case you didn't notice).

I find all of this too hard to believe. Does this mean I could one day be President of the United States? Will the US survive long enough for that cold day in Hell to happen? Or will it wait for me to become president, and then convulse once or twice and die a violent death?

I dunno. But I can say with all honesty and zero humor: This is a great day!

Not just because Barack Obama has already done more for the nation in one day than George Bush Jr has done in 8 years (most of it negative, so it counts against him), but because our democracy, despite everything against it, lives on and keeps on doing what it's supposed to do.

Hats off to you, America!

Google Trends: left handed presidents, Jan 20, 2009

Rants -- January 15, 2009

Sorry everybody, I've been lax in getting this first for 2009 edition out. Here it is. (For the future, I'll be posting one of these mid-month, one at the end of the month.)

Madeleine Begun Kane presents Banks To Taxpayers: Drop Dead! posted at Mad Kane's Political Madness.

Christy John presents Neither would the dog eat grass nor would it let cow. My opinion on the new policy by Indian sports ministry. posted at An Unabridged Life.

Christy John presents New age groupies and the butt cleavages. posted at An Unabridged Life.

Michael Bass presents An Amero Merry Christmas and Happy New Year posted at Debt Prison, saying, "Not surprisingly, the very group of bankers and powerful men, who with resolve and dedication, addicted America to this corrupt system of credit creation in the first place…. will be the very men who come charging in with the solution to our economic woes and the next depression."
yep

Zemer presents We Will Not Put Our Heads Down In Shame! posted at Tzipiyah.com.

Lisa Spinelli presents Politicians and Used Car Salesmen - Would You Buy a Senator’s Seat From That Governor? posted at Greener Pastures: Personal Finance.
nope

 BH presents Israeli Gaza Operation effective in Military and Propaganda WarsBangladeshi Hindu, saying, "Analysis of the recent Israel-Palestine conflict"
when will this ever stop?

Sidhusaaheb presents Defenceless Victims of Reckless Driving posted at I, Me, Myself.

SjP presents do not call me sassy! posted at Sojourner's Place, saying, "This is a rant about women being called "sassy" and my reaction to it!"

Greg Laden presents The natural basis for gender inequality posted at Greg Laden's Blog.


That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of
Rants using our carnival submission form.

Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Technorati tags: Rants, blog carnival.

How My Mind Works

I just dropped off my 3-year-old at school this morning, when I drove past one of the mom's parking her car on the street. Her car was a Hummer.

Next thought: What does a guy say to himself when he plans on buying a Hummer?

"I'm going down to the GM dealer and gettin' me a hummer. I hear they're even on sale!"

Now, this led me to think about the sort of guy who would buy a Hummer. It reminded me of an old comedy bit by a Korean guy who grew up in Tennessee named Henry Cho. Henry had a story in his stand-up comedy routine where he talked about his friend, JB, a real country hick, who might be the type of guy who'd buy a Hummer.

(You know, big truck, little tool. Bigger truck, really little tool. You get the picture.)

Now, JB was his name, but EVERYBODY asked him what it stood for. By the time he was an adult, the question really bugged him. So you can imagine how he reacted.

One day, JB had to renew his driver's license. On the form, it asked for his first and last name. In the first name field he wrote the following:

J only B only

When his official driver's license arrived in the mail, it had as his first name:

Jonly Bonly (pronounced in Henry's southern accent, "Jonely Bonely").

That one kills me. So I laughed hysterically in my car, all by my lonesome, for 5 minutes!

That's how my mind works. It's weird, I know. It jumps from one thing to the next to the next. Next thing you know, I'm laughing like a little school girl!

10 Things...

1. Moby is related to novelist Herman Melville and was named after his most famous creation.

More details

Whatever!

2. Golf can damage hearing.

More details

See #5. It makes you do that too.

3. The average age of MI5 staff is 40.

More details (the Independent)

4. Three billion e-mails are sent in the UK daily.

More details

5. Mosquitoes mate in about 10 seconds.

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See #2. Mosquitoes would be very good at golf, too.

6. Internet use peaks in the UK between 5pm and 6pm on Sundays.

More details (the Times)

7. Tasmanian devils are being killed off by cancer.

More details

8. You can hiccup while asleep.

More details

9. Montenegro has the euro despite not being in the EU.

More details

10. Printing more money to increase the supply is known as quantitative easing.

More details

BBC NEWS | Magazine Monitor

American Idol's "Oliver" Moment

I don't watch American Idol. I think it's stupid. But when I saw this headline on Yahoo's TV listings, I had to laugh and share the moment with you.

Remember the Brady Bunch? When it began to go downhill, they brought in a new kid named Oliver. From that moment on, television had been changed forever.

Soon thereafter, every time a show started its downward slide, they brought in their own Oliver. Diff'rent Strokes did it with the silly little white boy. Happy Days did it with Leather...

The list really is endless. But you don't have time for that and I don't have the energy to do the research. Suffice it to say, all crappy TV shows do it.

Here's the latest: American Idol is bringing on an extra "judge." As if they need another Paula Abdul drunk-as-I-wanna-be!

Hah! That's funny shit, Reggie!

And Simon, can't you find a looser-fitting shirt? It's not as if you're Mr Olympia or anything. You're an arrogant Englishman who happens to have somewhat straight teeth. Show them off once in a while, would you?

Geezer Forgets to Vote for Fellow Geezer, Rickey Henderson

This is great! Rickey Henderson should have been a unanimous Hall of Famer on his first try. The dude was a stud (still is, by his own admission)!

Read the follow-ups in the story, though. They're comical as hell!

Old man admits to mistake in not voting for fellow old man - Big League Ste... - MLB - Yahoo! Sports

Eight Years of Madoffs

Bush admin taken to task for 8 years of sleeping on the job. I'd love to elaborate, but just read the column!

Op-Ed Columnist - Eight Years of Madoffs - NYTimes.com

Porn Industry Insiders Seeking Government Bailout

You knew it would happen: Everybody and their brother would soon ask Congress for a handout. Hell, "Everybody else is doing it."

So Larry Flynt and Joe Francis (Girls Gone Wild) are going to Washington DC to ask for some dough because porn isn't selling like it was in the good old days of a strong economy and sex drive.

I wonder if big pharma is next, what with no porn, there's no need for Viagra and Cialis.

What's next? Trojan? Charmin (you just don't poop as much when you eat less)?

Porn Moguls Ask Congress For Help

Obama and Bush to Meet at White House

How awkward it must be to have lunch with the guy you publicly derided for the past few years! Obama is meeting outgoing President Bush for lunch today. It's expected they'll talk about the Middle East and the sagging economy, two of Bush's -- um -- weaker points (there are a lot, all it tight competition. I could name them, but I don't have enough web space or time).

And it must feel doubly bad to be the guy who was derided.

Obama at White House for meeting with Bush - Yahoo! News

Best Free Music Download Sites

As you know, I'm a music fan. In that light, I'm always looking for music on the 'net. Here's a page that shows you many links to free music sites.

The Best Sites To Download Free Music | MakeUseOf.com

Danica Patrick is a Speeder! That's News?

I always wondered if car racers got enough speed on the track. Did they drive like an old man on the public roads?

Not this chick. She speeds everywhere. Too bad she doesn't spend more time winning!

Danica Patrick pays fine to settle speeding ticket - Yahoo! News