Friday, August 22, 2008

Barack Obama Is About to Announce His Choice for VP: It's Me!!!!

UPDATE: There has been a terrible mistake! Joe Biden has been announced as Barack Obama's choice for VP. WTF? Obama called me and told me he wanted me to be his running mate.

OH. Wait a minute. He wants me to be his running mate. Now I get it.

Democratic presumptive presidential nominee Barack Obama will announce his choice for Vice President in the very near future. But I've got the scoop...

It's me!

Yes, you read that right. Obama will choose me for his running mate because he "wants someone who will challenge his thinking." I challenge everyone's thinking. I am perfect for this.

First of all, I have impeccable credentials.
  • I have no skeletons in my closet. 
  • I don't own so many homes that I don't know how many. In fact, my networth might as well be zero compared to Obama and McSame.
  • I haven't written a book. Yet. Though I keep on threatening that I will. FULL DISCLOSURE: I am writing a book. More here. It's totally unrelated to anything you'd read here.
  • I've never cheated on my wife. Though, if it gets me a chance to be President, I'll talk to my wife about it.
  • I've never gone to Harvard law school.
  • I have never served in the military nor have I ever claimed that I am a war hero. Nobody has bestowed me with the title of "war hero" either.
  • I've never run for public office, though I was selected to attend Boys' State when I was in high school, but I didn't attend.
  • I am a conservative, and all that that implies: Small, non-intrusive government that believes in fiscal responsibility and deference to state's rights. I believe in the Constitution and everything that goes along with it, including the ability and necessity to change it when conditions warrant doing so. Build infrastructure, make the streets safe, collect as little taxes as possible to do so. See? I'm challenging Barack's thinking already!
I'll make a fine VP. I can attend parties, make small talk; in short, I'll be way better than Dan Quayle (I know how to spell potato). I won't be as good as Dick Cheney, if by "good" you mean "the most evil, vile human on the face of the planet." I mean that in the best possible way. I certainly hope he cleans his cave before I show up. And by clean, I mean thoroughly sanitizes the place. God, yes GOD, only knows what he did in there, what with the virgin sacrifices, the masturbation, and the secret co-worship of the Devil and Allah.

Okay, I made that last part up. But Cheney's that creepy.

Hell, that alone makes me better than Cheney. I am not creepy. Just a little weird. Some would say "kooky." So I fit right in with Barack and his weird-ass ears.

I probably won't be as good a Veep as Al Gore. As you know, he's won the Nobel Prize and an Oscar, he's on the board of Google, and he's a self-avowed "greenie" (though he certainly doesn't live like one).

But, alas, he couldn't claim any of these accolades until after he left office and lost the 2000 elections 5-4 in the lowest-scoring Presidential election ever. Can you believe only 9 people voted? Crazy. I'll get at least 10 people to vote for me -- I have plans to clone my two boys, advance their ages to 21, and instill in them that by voting for me, they're really voting for ice cream on demand. Which would just be a continuation of status quo.

As you can see, I will be an exemplary VP. Thanks, Obama, for choosing me. I will not let you down.


billspaced said...

Aw, crap! Barack Obama changed his mind and flip-flopped on his Veep choice! He isn't even president yet and he's acting like he works at the Waffle House. He told me I was his choice for running mate...backstabber. Indian giver.

I see how this is going to work. I just may have to vote for you so I can complain when you do everything wrong.